A Job Moment

Have you ever felt like you were having a "Job moment"--without the loss of cattle, sheep, pigs and family? Just an lonely feeling as your friends point fingers and a feeling that there is a spiritual battle going on all around you, wearing on your spiritual (and sometimes physical) strength?

...the Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?... 

Well, if you haven't, just try living upright for the Lord with a clean and pure heart. There's bound to be something out there to snag you along the narrow path. Fingers to point your way, condemnation to settle on your name.

Honestly, I hit the roughest patch of this feeling about 2 years ago. In fact, it may've been EXACTLY two years ago because I remember it was around the middle of September when I...

...decided that wearing skirts was not my salvation, God IS.

I had been living a life full of sin, with an unrepentant heart, but outwardly I had the "Pentecostal Look." I knew the right words and the right way to dress, talk, and act to fool everyone. Not that I did it on purpose. I guess the lifestyle had become such a habit. I was a hypocrite, but almost a trapped hypocrite. I didn't want to be, but I didn't know how to get out of it. Secret sins remained hidden. They had just been building, through a rocky marriage that ended abruptly just one year after it began, and they escalated to the point that I was contemplating suicide.

...Satan roams the earth, seeking whom he may devour...

Well, he found me at one of the darkest moments in my life.

But what's amazing is, God never left my side. He's been by my side since I was 11 years old--where I surrendered my life to Him at an altar in a church in Magnolia, Arkansas. I tried to walk away from Him, I separated myself from Him with my sin, but He never forgot me.

And He fought for me. ...the Lord will fight for you...

He nudged my heart, continued to speak to me through the Holy spirit. Even in my sinful state, I had a conscious. I had a voice squeezing my heart every morning as if to say, "Why aren't you talking to me? Where are you going? Please read my Word today--I want to talk to you through it." At random moments during the day, a scripture would just pop into my head. He was trying to draw me back to Him.

I began to recall questions I have asked pastors and friends, and even prayed, for years--things that went unclear from countless sermons and my own bible study. A burning desire grew within me to find answers. To find a surety. To find Truth I could stake my life on. God's word is Truth, it is a sure and steady foundation for answers. This desire lead me to study more than I've ever studied before.

And God showed me. He showed me that I had been living behind a curtain of works-based religion, looking and saying all the right things but with a filthy, godless heart. He showed me that I was among the people who would cry out, but God would deny knowing.

He showed me LOVE, GRACE, MERCY, FORGIVENESS, HOPE, SALVATION.
He showed me FAITH.

Anyways, I meant this post to be about something else, but it has turned into part of my testimony. My long-winded testimony.

Back on topic, I lost all my friends and, it felt like, my closest family (Mamaw and Papaw), when I decided to follow Christ and not man-made religion. Everyone put their finger in my face and told me I was going to hell. Most wouldn't speak with me except to tell me that, or to say I couldn't come around them anymore. It was really hard. I didn't have many friends here, the few I'd had were through my ex-husband and they disappeared with him. I was completely alone, already weakened by circumstances. All I had was my bible and my voice--to lift in prayer. I felt like Job, because he knew he wasn't wrong, but his friends continued to condemn him. Well, I knew I was listening to the Lord and doing what was right, but my friends were completely against me, full of accusations, just like Job's friends.

Things got better over time. I think, I think people who know me see my heart, or more of it than those I don't see often enough. Whatever it is, some of my friends have come around, and my family has, too, for the most part. I do still get a condemning statement here and there. It can be tough when that happens, 'cause I do not like that they are hurting, believing me to be condemned to hell. I wish they had the assurance that I've got.

God is my salvation. He is my Rock. He is my Strength.