A day by any other name...

...would still be a day. :)

Even if I called it a hippo. The meaning hasn't changed.

I look at my blog and think, "Man, I wish I had it together like some bloggers out there--with a set topic per post, beautifully-written words that are cohesive and comprehendable." But no, not I. I'm random. I write what is on my mind and heart whenever I have time to sit at the computer. This is more like my journal--giving you a glimpse of the peak of the iceberg that comprises my off-the-wall imaginings.

Is imaginings a word?

Well, today was the first day of Camp Connect, a local camp for children with Aspergers and higher-functioning autism. I spent half the day in class, reviewing for a test in one subject and discovering that I made a B on my first test in the other. 'Twas a typical hippo (*if confused, review the beginnings of this post).

Then came Camp Connect, with the wonderful children and experiences anew to keep me on my toes with a sparkle in my eye. I was thrown into bowling--a sport that is very much enjoyable, but altogether a challenge for clumsy me who has little practice in the field (or should I say, on the lanes). That's okay! In stepped two precious kids that gave me tips and helped me pull my act together by game #2! I don't remember the scores, but I remember their smiles!

Tomorrow's water sports. I think I should bring extra clothes...and maybe a towel.

I actually came to my blog a few minutes ago with the intent of writing about something much deeper than hippo-days, bowling, camps, or school. I dropped in on facebook to see if anyone had tried to contact me there when I saw a feed going off of a friend's status talking about spiritual beliefs and "steps" to salvation. It is a conversation that I myself participated in for many years of my life--oblivious to the true beliefs of those not affiliated with the same denomination as myself at the time. Oblivious to some very important messages God gave us in His word.

Like the entire book of Galations.

Or how about, the entire account of Christ's life, suffering, and death? The true purpose of His being clothed in flesh and brutally murdered?

Or Romans chapter 8?

The message of GRACE is one that so many people do not understand! I don't even know if I fully have a grasp on it--it is so very wonderful, how can it be?!

I spent 21 years of my life trying to fulfill the law--to DO everything I could to be WORTHY. ACCEPTABLE. PLEASING TO GOD. I spent over two decades TRYING to BE saved.

I was a pharisee to the Nth degree.

"For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23, KJV)

The law was fulfilled at the crucifixion. Christ's sufferings made the law of the old testament obsolete, otherwise we'd all still be sacrificing oxen and turtle doves. Well, the Jews would be. I would not even have a chance to be saved. Thank you, Lord, for loving even me!

No one can fulfill all the law perfectly, to be without sin, spotless, holy and acceptable to God because we are all sinners. We cannot DO enough to find salvation. We cannot truly DO anything to be saved. Salvation doesn't come through works, or "steps." Salvation comes by faith. If we realize the desparate situation we are in, that we are sinners one and all and that we NEED a savior, and we call on Christ Jesus, BELIEVING that He will exchange our rotteness for His goodness and that He will give us a cloak of righteousness that we on our own could not obtain, but His blood bought for us through great love and sacrifice--well then, THAT is the way to salvation. No steps required.

Obeying God's commandments helps us to grow in our relationship with Him and helps us to build up treasures in heaven where moth and dust don't corrupt, but does it save us?

I struggle with this area of grace, having been raised in a works-based denomination. The answer I see in scripture is no, no it doesn't save you, it doesn't prove your salvation to others, but instead it is a sign of spiritual growth and maturity as you begin to obey. It is what your relationship with Jesus is builds on, but its foundation is His saving grace!

I would ask that you would pray with me, for me, that I could see people through this light--as on the journey we are all on, at varying stages along that road in their relationship with the Prince. We all have areas we are stronger in than our brothers and sisters, and we all have areas where weakness is slowing down our advancement. I want to be more open to learn from others. I want to stop seeing salvation as being comprised of works and see it more as a gift already in my hands that cannot be more valuable with or without things I can DO. I want to rip the earpiece out of my ear that whispers judgmental comments about others who do share my convictions on all things, because they are no less saved than I am. I want to rip the earpiece out of my other ear that condemns me, telling me that I'm not saved, whenever I find myself in sin or feel discouraged because I'm just not doing or giving enough.

This is a my confession of an area in my life that needs some mending.

Thanks for hearing me out, and I apologize for any run-ons or grammatical errors presented.

Well, now I must go and finish my amazingly long hippo out at work. Work has become a specific challenge at times, and it doesn't seem to be the people really so much. Maybe I'm feeling the spiritual war going on within me in the environment up there, for bickering and backstabbing, idle talk and gossip, discontentment and discouragement are all at play around me. All pressing hard on my heart trying to get in.
And sometimes I let them in. Another confession.
My heart leaves more worn out than me feet, back, and neck. My mind leaves in complete exhaustion, still trying to process everything I've seen and heard, felt and fought internally.

Off I go to Wal-Mart...

Memories lost, memories gained

So, my last post really meant well. It just wasn’t put together well. I did intend to delete it, but haven’t the time to get back on! Not that I would change my message…I would have just explained it better than a few randomly pulled together thoughts.


I have entered this past week with some sadness on the loss of my beloved 4GB SD card. It fell to the floor one night, Stella saw a small rectangular toy, and, alas, the story is finished. I actually nearly destroyed the card slot on my computer, trying to stuff the warped SD marred with teeth marks into its gaping blackness. The card got stuck and would not come out. An hour, several bobby pins, a pair of tweezers, and a cuticle trimmer later the slot was relieved of its burden. That’s when I realized that all 3,000-and-however-many photos were saved on that card—pictures of me, family, and friends from my past 23 years of experiences—were lost…forever.

My only consolation is that I have a hard copy of most of them. I sure would’ve liked to have kept that digital back-up though!

Stella was not punished, as she didn’t know it wasn’t a toy. I left it in her reach, she thought it was tasty. End of story, for real this time.

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On another note: I am amazed at the people I’ve been blessed to be acquainted with! Talk about good company! God knows who we need and when we need them, but I would have never imagined He’d let a scoundrel like me enjoy the pleasures of such good company! My church family, GBFC, is the BEST group of fellow believers I have ever had the privilege of knowing. They are such an encouragement to me!

My Papaw—He’s my Daddy—is the best. I was very grateful to catch him ready for conversation on Sunday, even if our 15 minutes of dialogue consisted more of low blood pressure and “guacamole salad” than love and emotion. He knows I love him, though I wish to show him more and more as he grows older. One of these days he may not be around to call on. His tender words of delight, love, and pride will not always be there to spur me on through life. I know I have a heavenly Father whose encouragement is enough to get me through anything, but I cannot help but believe that when the time comes for Papaw to unite with our Father, there will be a void in my earthly heart. It is a very painful topic, and one I try not to dwell on too often. Sometimes, though, it is unavoidable, as I see my Papaw’s health and memory failing. He is not the energetic old fellow who attempted to teach me the art of bike-riding at 5 years of age (I did not learn how to ride until I was 10). He’s grown a little older since those days, and my heart has grown a little bit fonder of those arthritic hands and worn out features.

I love him and am so glad for another Father’s day with him. I wish I could’ve spent it actually with that precious man, but will have to settle for a phone conversation.

Grace

For me, today started at 5:00am and is several hours from being over yet.


It has been a day filled with highs and lows, joy and stress, love and hate, pleasure and discomfort.

All in all it has been spectacular.

Isn’t the God of the universe amazing? He makes all things good!

I only had one time the whole day that could have really turned my attitude to the dumps, but as I looked into the face of the bitter lady who was taking out her sorrows on innocent little me, all I could see is, well, God’s love. All over her. HE LOVES HER. Even in her meanness, Jesus loves her. He died for her just as He died for me. I’ve been there—the one discouraging someone else, tearing them down. I know that in those moments, I’m at a low and just want company in my little pit. And so, honestly, I agreed with her every word, and allowed her to tear me up one end and down another, all with a smile on my face—and in my heart.

For anyone who knows me, that just isn’t me.

I always take things to heart, even when I know the offensive statement(s) aren’t truly directed towards me, but are just spoken out of an already hurting heart.

So, when I think about today, I am truly GRATEFUL—with every ounce of my being. God is merciful, and His grace endures forever. Scripture says that where sin abounds, grace abounds MORE. Well, I’m definitely a sinner, but God surrounds me with His grace.

The truth of His Word! His everlasting faithfulness! His unconditional love! AHHH! I feel as if I’m about to burst!

Good vs. Bad Communication

Matthew 12:33-37

33 Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit. 34 O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. 35 A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. 36 But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. 37 For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

Words cannot be taken back once they are spoken. I remember as a child chanting an old rhyme to the bullies at school:


“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words can never hurt me,”

all the while crying inside at their cruel statements. The words they spoke have never been forgotten, though the mouths that uttered them have.


I have donated my own share of “idle talk” in the past 23 years, a confession I am not proud to admit. I’ve contributed to gossip, I’ve given in to anger, and I’ve made hasty and inaccurate assumptions. I’ve said things that have discouraged people, upset them, and hurt them.


What is so great about evil speech? What is so attractive about it?


It definitely does not mirror the love of Christ.

“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things (Philippians 4:8).”

The mouth speaks what is in the heart, so if I think on the good, then that is what will escape my lips.

It is a simple lesson, yet one I am still learning.

Thank you, Jesus, for not giving up on me!

Taking the Day Off

Today is a school-less and a work-less day for me, so what did I do?

Well, I cleaned house, cooked, read a book, and watched a movie, of course!

Let's see...I cooked on a charcoal grill for the first time in my life today. The meal turned out pretty fabulous, too! I have enough left for lunch tomorrow.

Lamb steak (coated in garlic, basil, and olive oil), grilled veggies and shrimp, and roasted peppers (stuffed with cream cheese, onions, and creole seasoning)

I like cooking on the grill more than I do the stove. I think I'll get quite a bit of use out of it this summer!

I am reading a book called "Created to be his Help Meet" by Debi Pearl. It was a suggested reading for a friend of mine who has been struggling in her marriage. I think it is a wonderful thing to read for all married women who want to learn to be the very best wife and help their husbands reach their fullest potential. It has some difficult things to swallow, at least they were difficult for me, as it has pretty much stepped all over my stubby toes. What I love most about it is it is FULL of scriptural truth and focuses not on ME, not on YOU, but on GOD and His role for the wife.

It may seem odd for me to be reading this. I'm not married, but I have been. And I think I needed this, to learn from my past. God has used this book to instruct me.

I am actually watching the movie as I type this: Disney's The Great Mouse Detective.

I remember loving this movie when I was a kid, but it has been a long time since I saw it. I love detective stories! Someone at the store the other day asked me how old my kids were (because she thought I was getting this movie for my kids). I told her my dog is 1 year old (her birthday was May 31st!) Then I laughed and told her I was actually getting it for myself. I love family movies!

Tonight, I have training for Camp Connect. I'm pretty excited about it!

Until then, I intend to finish my movie, finish my book, and tease my dog with her lamb bone.

I love off days. They are the best!

Joys of forgiving

Forgiveness is so much sweeter than bitterness.

What I am about to share is something I've held within me for several months, afraid of causing strife within my family, but I cannot carry this any longer.

See, all my life I have been a very bitter person. My family is a very bitter family. We hold grudges, for some reason. Like carrying hot coals that continue to sting is sensible or something. I don't know why; I wish I could explain it, reason it, but I just can't. My family are good people, but we just have this flaw.

Well, I've been praying that God will teach me how to love and forgive. Far out idea, huh? He started with healing my hurting heart after my divorce. I don't think it is 100% mended (can the scars ever really fade away since forgetting the past is impossible?), but I can tell you I am much better, and much different, than I was two years ago. Thank you, Jesus, for that! I can actually look my ex-husband in the eyes, without tears or awkwardness, now.It is a weird situation, though, because in a sense when I see him shopping at my workplace, it's like looking at any other customer. There is no attachment, and honestly, he is a stranger with a familiar face is all. I don't know how else to explain that.

Next, he started to mend my heart with my relationship with my grandfather. I think moving out on my own started that process, but the main changes have come in the last two years. Changes that may not be so evident outwards as they are inwards. I know the difference. I am the one who sees, and feels, so differently towards this man who sacrificed his retired life for a brat like me! This man, who lacks patience, but tried so many times to teach me things (like riding a bike and playing a guitar) in spite of that weakness. I have nothing but the utmost respect and love for him now. I feel like God's given me a new set of eyes and a new heart in our relationship of father and daughter.

And now for the part that has been my reason for withholding for so long: the part where I tell all of you that I have forgiven my biological father, by the grace of God.

Like really forgiven him, for everything.

If you don't know the story, that's okay. You don't really need to know the story, just that many people would say that bitterness is justified. But bitterness is NEVER justified, no matter the offense. God has called us to walk in love and mercy, as He has shown love and mercy on us!

I struggled the most with this one, I think. This has been over two decades of bitterness and pain layered deep within my heart.

And I don't think the forgiveness process would have ever even started if it wasn't for something Joe's wife did on facebook that poked a hole in that ever-growing grudge. My ugly side came out so fast, all the bitterness and poisonous words flowed freely to Joe and his wife. Words I had kept in the hardened corners of my heart, and never uttered, came out at full volume. Words I didn't even know were there.

I knew I held a grudge towards my father, but I did not know how bad it was. I had been convicted of my feelings towards him for over a year now, but had not seemed to find victory.

Then, God showed me the ugliest side of me. That's a mirror I don't like looking into, but one that is oh-so-important in spiritual growth!

Lots of prayer and bible study over forgiveness ensued, and slowly layers began peeling away. My father had found me on facebook, and in spite of my bitter words, he was persistent in trying to communicate with me his sincere apologies and regrets over past mistakes. I began to notice the change ocurring within me as every new message from him sparked less and less bitter emotions.

Then, one day, I opened a message and had no bad feelings, no anger, no hurt. In fact, I actually felt a tingle of delight in hearing from him. I wanted to reply with, "Oh, I would like to make up for lost years. I would like to come to know you better," but withheld such raw notions because a twinge of guilt set in.

How would my family, who is also very bitter towards this man, take to me having not only forgiven him, but also having a desire to know him? Would they be angry with me? Or would they interpret it that I thought of them less in wanting to add this man into my life? Would they be offended?

I do still worry of that, because the farthest thing from my mind is to replace my family or think of them less. I just feel that this is not something of my own heart's desire, but something the Lord would have me do. It is a step above forgiveness, perhaps, in that it is an opening of the heart towards the person who wronged me. But I think it is a step the Lord is asking me to take. And with that, I must obey in spite of the tangle it could cause with my family. I only hope that God will help them to work through their own bitterness as He is continuing to work in me. And maybe, this will be a point--like my explosive moment--that proves to be a crisis of belief for them.

Now the title of this post is the joys of forgiving, and here I am rambling on. Let's tie this back to the title with this little praise point: Because of the work God is doing in me, I have now been in contact with a half brother who I have never really met. A brother who was nearly 3 years old when I first heard of his existence. A brother who I've longed to know ever since, but was never given the opportunity. I have been able to see a little into his life, and see that we have things in common. I have found points already to be proud of him, in a way that only a sister can be! And through our communications I have been able to learn more about another half brother who I have not seen since he was 5 (he's now 19).

This correspondence is one I am afraid my family will frown on, (family, please consider the good it is doing me). I love Brandon and Joey, just as I love Chris and Jake. I want to know them, too. I want to be in their lives, and already the few letters passed back and forth have brought so much happiness to me I can't even describe it.

You know, they want to know me, too. How cool is that?!