A Reputation to Uphold...

...as a child of the Most High God.

I've been failing in my stewardship for a long time. I have been a self-centered, proud, self-righteous, complacent, insensitive...brat.

The truth of this is always eating at the back of my conscience, seasoning everything going on in my life with a little bit of lemon juice. Sometimes I have felt as if it is the fallen angel himself, whispering discouraging thoughts into my head, but then again, it's the small voice of instruction, not condemnation, that I hear calling to me. "Kristina, you should think of her hurting heart instead of your own selfish desires...", "Kristina, why are you having such a hard time accepting my love?", "Kristina, I love you, not because of what you DO, but what you believe. You can't do enough to earn my love. I give it freely. Just accept it, Dear." "Kristina, you shouldn't allow this anxiety to overtake you. Trust in me!", "Kristina, why did you just walk past that man sitting there. I wanted to help him through you."

So, all these things, and so many more...messages from my Daddy that I, in my rebellious, selfish heart have ignored. Why do I do that? I hear Him, but then I think I don't. I doubt it, or I don't want to turn from my own goals and objectives to follow it.

Does this mean I am not submitted to Him?

The other night, I was completely lost. I felt so very lonely. And I remember crying out to God, asking Him what was wrong with me that I couldn't hear His voice, His instruction.

And He showed me that I can. I am just choosing not to follow it.

I know that His ways are better than my own.

Conviction has definitely set in, and it's more than just a little bit of lemon juice in a pot of soup. It's a whole gallon of lemonade without the added sugar.

Yes, it tastes terrible, because it is causing me to look at my mistakes. I allowed that gallon to fall into my pot. I allowed all this to go on within me, no matter how subtly the changes occurred. But now, it is not just a gnawing at the back of my mind, it is right in front of my eyes.

God wants me to deal with it. Thank you, Lord, for your discipline. A loving father disciplines his children. You still love me, in spite of my sin!

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You know, I was on facebook a few days ago and saw a comment my mother had made to a friend of hers, a woman I didn't even know:

I don't think I see how others see me. I don't realize that they actually see...good? Because all I can seem to focus on is my bad. This comment touched my heart, coming from my mother. It touched my heart to see this is what is said when I'm not around.

But, then, it also convicts me. I am forever getting lost on the difficult path of Christianity. I see connecting paths that look right, enticing, or easier, and I find myself going in circles or in danger.

I am hoping and trusting in God's grace to help me uphold this royal reputation.