Caring for the Fatherless

"Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, precious baby...close your eyes..."

As I sing, I begin to weep. I bury my head in his tiny little shoulder, holding on as if my life is at stake, trying to control the tears. A whiff of his scent fills my nostrils, flooding my mind with sweet memories from the last month and causing me to completely lose it.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" I hear her sweet, concerned voice and remember why I was trying to control those tears.

How do I tell her that this is the hardest thing I have ever done? How do I tell her I don't want this to just be a "friendly sleepover," but a lifetime of sleepovers, giggles, laughs, songs, dreams, hugs, kisses...memories? How do I tell her I could hold her brother and her, rocking them gently back and forth, for the rest of my life, feeling their hearts beating and hearing their deepening breaths as sleep comes softly upon them. How do I tell her?

I don't. I can't.

These babies are not mine. God has told me they are planned for another mother. He has shown me His work in their little lives, and a plan and purpose bigger than I could ever imagine or dream for them. But through the glory of His plan, a plan I am so thankful to have been--to be--a part of, I hurt deeper than I have ever hurt before. I feel like the inside of my heart is being scraped out, one shred at a time. I don't know how else to describe it. Sometimes it is numbing. Sometimes it is so intense I can't handle the feelings I'm facing. And on some level, I can't even place the feelings I've been dealing with over the last several weeks into a category. I can't name them. I am having a hard enough time containing them, let alone finding solace.

And so I don't talk about it. I want to change the subject. I want to run away from thinking too long about how I feel. Because it isn't about how I feel. It IS about what is best for two of God's precious ones. Oh, but how I wish...I wish God's plan had involved me long-term. Forever.

I will trust You, O Lord. For Your ways are better than my ways, Your desires far greater than my own. I will trust You, O Lord, with my life and theirs. You have designed us perfectly to fulfill Your will through our imperfections and weaknesses. I will lift up Your name, regardless of circumstance or feelings, for You alone know the beginning and end of all things. Thank You, Jesus, for the small role You’ve allowed me to play in the lives of these babies. May I continue to be Your hands and feet to the fatherless with greater passion and love for the ones You love. May I never lose sight of Your purpose. May I grow closer to You and come to a place where I do not have to be reminded of my dependence on You, but will be continually broken before Your throne, King Jesus. For You alone are worthy of praise, honor, glory.

…………………………

For those of you who haven’t seen me in a while, I began walking down the road toward becoming a foster parent around Christmas time last year, and now…I am one. My heart was stirred up when my nephew was placed in permanent custody of my grandparents due to poor choices my sister was making at the time. I began to pray about it, but at the same time I was giving in to this lie: You are single. Kids need dads. You are not capable of taking care of yourself, let alone kids. You had a messed up childhood. What makes you think you won’t be as bad at parenting as your sister?

Notice how those lies were tinted with hints of truths? I really am single. Kids really do need dads. I really was facing some health issues that were causing me to not function very well in day-to-day tasks. I really did have a messed up childhood. BUT—I was sensing some condemnation. God did not send His Son to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might have eternal life. Condemnation is a #1 sign to me that satan is at work. He wants to destroy us, so of course he will shove accusation down our throats, right?

Anyways, if God was calling me to this and it wasn’t just something in my head, I knew He would make a way. I also knew that as a Christian I am called to be different and up to this point my life had shown a drastic difference in decision-making from that of my sister. Yes, we all have the capacity to be evil. We are all wretched sinners! But a born-again believer who is truly seeking Christ is not forming patterns in their lives that would harm themselves or others.

Now, I’m incredibly far from perfect (anyone who knows me can say Amen. Haha), and I admit I have this awful struggle with surrendering and trusting Him. It is this stinking pride that tells me I can handle life on my own. Hmmm…another rabbit trail.

Back on track: I was sitting down one Sunday evening last December with my sweet friend, Mrs. D, who shockingly had just begun delving into learning more about fostering/adopting, talking about what God was doing in her life, when she informed me that the foster system doesn’t frown on single applicants—they EMBRACE THEM because their truly is a need for more single parents who can love on kids who’ve been abused and are uncomfortable around people of the same sex as their offender.

Wow.

I cannot describe that moment. It was like getting punched in the chest because all the breathe went out of me, but painless, and in fact—freeing and joyous.

“God, are you calling me to this?”

I didn’t hear an audible voice, but over the next few months I felt confirmation as my life miraculously began to line up to place me in a position to be a single foster parent. I got a new, stress-free, flexible job close to home(one that fell in my lap, I might add), I found out the source of my health issues and began to combat it more specifically with prayer and healthier life choices, I moved to an actual house with a yard of my own, those folks at DHS let me go through training, and somehow they found me competent enough to open me as a foster home the first of November.

Wow.

November.

It seems an eternity ago when those beautiful faces walked through my door, scared and shy, afraid to let go of one another. And yet, it has been less than two months.

Soon I will not be able to sleep and will find myself at my keyboard typing on this blog again. Maybe. And when I do, I will—I must—write about my precious TWO. My first children, the loves of my life. I must record every memory of our beautiful story together. They will always be with me. Even though they will be in the arms of their new adoptive mommy and daddy, I will always see them as my babies.

It has been an emotional roller coaster, but I know I’m smack-dab in the middle of God’s will, and I’m not budging. It’s gonna hurt? Bring it. These babies hurt every day. They need a ray of Jesus shining through their darkness. My God is bigger than all that. He can heal their pain and He will heal mine, too. I’m not scared of getting hurt. Life hurts. Love really hurts. But, again, I’m not scared of loving. Someone showed me ultimate love—painful love—on a Cross and I’m not about to back down because I might get my heart crushed into a million pieces over and over…and over again.

I’ve started walking this path and I’m feeling the heat this moment, but IT IS ALL WORTH IT. Every precious moment I’ve had with my babies, even every moment that didn’t seem so precious at the time, has been WORTH IT. Because I see Him at work. He is healing these kids. And I’m in awe that I’ve been allowed to join Him in this work.

Wow. Thank You, Jesus!

Pure Thoughts 2012

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

I've been going through a season where positive thoughts and words have been rare. For an encourager, this has been a very trying time. I read through some of my journal entries from the last few months and can see myself slipping into this--for lack of a better word--depression.

It's kind of scary how it sneaks up, taking root in little things here and there until it becomes this big UGLY in your life.An unkind word here, a judmental thought there. Those things add up and eventually push a person into isolation. I wrote about that feeling in my journal, too. Isolation.

All alone, or the feeling thereof, is the most vulnerable position to be in for an attack from the Enemy. You have no protection, no support, no guide. It's easier to look at your situation and feel sorry for yourself when you are alone. There is no one there to help you refocus back to the One who holds all power when you lose sight!

So, that is where I found myself. Sinking deeper and deeper into this. On one end, I was starting to see my position and become aware of the dilemma. I was beginning to grasp the weight of what was going on. On the other, I felt trapped already, so deep in and unsure how to find freedom.

How DO you break the negative thinking? I began asking the Lord to help me. Praying for guidance and looking for answers. Examples.

Job...Job faced the worst of the worst in losing everything he had--and then sitting day after day to hear his friends throw negative remarks at him. Wow, if anyone could be justified in thinking poorly after all that, it's Job. But, no. Job provides a prime example of positive thinking in a bad situation. I am so glad God shared his example with us! Rather than look in on myself, I need to look out to God in all things, for He is TRUE, HONEST, JUST, PURE, LOVELY, GOOD, VIRTUOUS, and PRAISE-WORTHY. And in Him, all things are complete.

Gos has used this truth to help me. He's healing me. I'm not out of this season, but I am seeing the fruits of a new season dawning and am grateful for it!

This year, my words will be "pure thoughts" as I seek to set my mind on Him and my focus on His will.

God bless you.

Apologizing in advance for grainy pictures! They were taken from my cell phone at 2.1 megapixels, and the lighting in my home is horrible.

So tonight I found this incredible candle at Walmart. It's called a "Wonderful Wick"--a knock-off version of the very wonderful (and very expensive) Woodwick candles. I grabbed the last apple spice scent they had (for anyone who knows me, apple scents are my favorite!)

While my candle was burning away, I spent the next hour cooking up breakfast for the rest of the week. Doing so saves me having to get up even earlier (or doing without when I wake up late). I made biscutis and gravy, froze up some breakfast burritos, and made this breakfast pie:

It looks better in real life. Phone cameras don't do the colors justice. Sausage, egg, cheese, and onions with a biscuit crust. YUM-O!

I love to decorate for fall--even moreso than Christmas! (I actually sold my Christmas tree this year and don't know if I'll pull out the decor for the holidays). I did go all out for fall, though, even if no one sees it in person but me, Stella, and the landlord.

Coffee table centerpiece:

My ol' dining table centerpiece is ready for Autumn:

Entertainment Center:

One end table (with my new digital photo frame thanks to Heather!):

I have leaves EVERYWHERE. Hanging over curtains, across the top of bookshelves, on tables...I just love the colors! Oranges, yellows, reds, golds, browns...*taking in a deep breath*

Fall is my all-time favorite season, and I enjoy bringing a piece of it inside so I can enjoy it as long as possible. The crisp, cool air just does something for me. It's not an extreme--not hot nor cold--but just right. I feel closer to God when I look out and see His fingerprints painted across the trees, His footprints across the dew-stained grasses, His glory displayed in every inch of creation. I feel that way every day when I walk outside, regardless of the time of year, but Autumn's colors are so vibrant that details lost on me throughout the year are brought back to mind.

Like the intricate, complex food-making system contained within each tiny, incredibly beautiful leaf. I cannot see how anyone could look at a leaf and still say there is no God! That did NOT just happen one day out of the blue. God intended the leaf to serve as a food source for the tree and He designed it to be most effective.

But now I am rambling, it's too late (or early) for me to be up, so I must call it a night.

Courageous

Call me crazy, but I saw this movie THREE times in theaters in less than a week.

Call me crazy, but I think it is the best film I have ever seen. I now have an ultimate favorite.

Call me crazy, but regardless, I will stand behind the message of this film.

Our country is turning its back on God and our fathers are turning their backs on their families.

I pray that this movie will be an eye-opener and a catalyst for change in our families. I pray that fathers are convicted to the point of doing something about it.

Here's a video that shares the heart of Courageous. It's not the actual trailer. You'll have to go to youtube for that. Or my friend, Heather's blog--> http://www.mrssouthernbride.com/

I love my grandpa very much. He stood in place of the father who walked out of my life when I was really young. He's not always been the nicest, the funnest, or the most loving, but he's been someone. He stepped up and took responsibility for my sister and I when no other man was willing to. When he didn't have to. By doing that, he gave us more than we had.

I hope this film will knock on the doors of the heart of fathers who have walked out--to move them to become the men they are called to be. I also pray that it will encourage, strengthen, and teach "good-enough" dads like my Papaw.

A powerful movie. A powerful message.

Warning: it's an emotional rollercoaster so be prepared.

Perfect Baby Boy

I cannot imagine the pain a mother feels at the loss of the little life that she's carried, nurtured, loved. I cannot imagine the grief of a father as he tries to remain strong for his wife and children. But I can feel pain, sorrow, and grief as an outsider wondering why he never got the chance to take his first breath...

Even in the midst of the pain I felt, I could not help but feel in complete awe of my Maker's skill.

Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes, so small that even the period at the end of that last sentence would be too large to suffice as a nail...

A perfectly shaped tongue, mouth, lips, nose...

Little knobby knees and elbows...

I sat in that bathroom staring at the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen. I just couldn't take my eyes off of him, though the pain of the situation was hitting me head on.

He is so very precious. So very perfect in every way. Just look at him. He's amazing!  

At three months, Baby Boy looked complete, whole, beautiful. Words cannot describe how I felt as my eyes took in every bit of his whole 6 inches. The sorrow in knowing that his little life had ceased was mixed with the joy in knowing the One who made every detail so...perfect. The questions that come, like "I wonder what color his eyes were?" were accompanied by, "How did You make those little toes, Lord?" I was crying inside, but joyfully praising God at the same moment. It's just hard to explain.

I'm so grateful for the chance to be there tonight, even if I was clueless what to say or do. I got to meet a little guy I will not forget, who has unknowingly taken a piece of my heart but has also drawn me closer to my Father.

Lord, thank You for life. Thank You for the opportunity to know and love another one of Your precious children. I praise You for Your unfailing love and comfort in good times and bad. You are to be glorified in and through all things, and I am forever grateful for every moment that opens my eyes to more of You. I praise You for blessings of health and provision. Father, be with the S family tonight and in coming days, weeks, and months, as they heal. Comfort them and bless them in soul and spirit as they deal with the pain of this loss. May they always be pointed back to You and grow to trust You more each day through this difficult time. Shower the S family with your blessings of provision, health, and comfort. In Jesus' name.

Oops!

So during an inservice this week, I learned that even stating things that could be associated with my job, such as "I had a bad/rough day today" are inappropriate to share over social networking sites. I had no idea that all this time I've been breaking company policy, even though I do not mention names or places. I hate to take down posts because that would be most of my blog and I use this as a "virtual scrapbook" to remember bits and pieces of the blessings and thorns God provides. I don't want to lose one morsel!

I'm in a tough spot.

Plus, it is so hard to write and NOT bring up work or something funny said/done that I'd like to remember. That's pretty much my life right now!

Wacky Wednesday!

7:00 AM: KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! A strange old man hand delivers my car tags. States that they were in his mailbox two weeks ago and that he had come by every day since at different times trying to catch me. I was never home, go figure.

8:00 AM: Drive to work through clouds. No really, there were clouds--everywhere!

8:30 AM: Thank Jesus for the breathtaking sight as I top a hill with valleys on both sides with the end of the clouds also in view, floating over the valleys like a canopy of cotton.

9:15 AM: Nonverbal client throws glasses in floor in an attempt to tell me he's mad that I asked him to sit back down so he wouldn't fall.

10:20 AM: Very verbal client tells me that the reason he had to come to the nursing home was this: he'd heard that I worked there and that the torture of speech therapy was actually "quite pleasurable torture".

11:00 AM: Client with developmental disability beats me at Scrabble even though I played the longest word: "blouse".

12:30 PM: Coworker comes into breakroom and threatens to stab me with fork if I eat his food. Then tells me I am allowed one spoonful of his potatoes if I replace it with cheese from my macaroni.

1:55 PM: Client tells me that he hates to break it to me, but there's no way I'll get him to function like he did when he was 30. Then, he proceeds to be the first client I've had at this facility who thanks me for all my hard work and dedication to his well-being.

4:30 PM: Nursing home resident at another place stops me in the hall and tells me I'm a sweetheart and need to be the speech therapist seeing her neice. Said resident was a client of mine when I was a student and refused therapy 3 times in a row.

5:00 PM: Long term client who I have grown very fond of gets swallow study results back--YAY! Diet upgrade to more "real" food/drinks! WOOHOO!

6:30 PM: Run around like a blindfolded turkey on Thanksgiving  morning in preparation for the evening's Awana meeting while trying to read over my lines for the message time lesson.

6:45 PM: Try to compose myself as the Sparks director walks in disguised as "Professor Spark"--complete with lab coat and spiky hair.

9:00 PM: Drive home with a smile on my face and a heart full of love for the darling little Sparkies I have been blessed to get to know.

 "...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." (Phillipians 4:11)

I love my morning drives to work. It's just me and God winding down those curvy roads...and reminders everywhere of His unfailing power and majesty. Lately, I have found myself becoming irritable about aspects of my job that I was not anticipating upon entrance into the real world--like the excessive amounts of paperwork and the high-stress environment.

Yesterday, as I was driving in to work, God used a cement truck to jog my memory of His faithfulness.

Yes, I did say "a cement truck".

Patience is a virtue that God wants to infuse in my very being, but stubborn me refuses to accept. I constantly find myself arguing with myself (wise folks do that, you know) about the necessity to pray for patience. I know I need more of it, but I'm afraid of the circumstances that will come to work patience in me. God brought that ridiculously slow cement truck into my morning routine yesterday to try my patience...and give me a shocking reminder of my critical spirit and other character flaws that need to be chiseled away. I rode behind that truck for 20 minutes, complaining in my heart and grumbling aloud. The truck was going about 15 miles under the speed limit and I was already running behind schedule. There were no passing zones in sight.

All of a sudden--I don't really recall how--I realized that the old cement truck was a gift from God to help me grow closer to Him by building my faith and my character. I had just been complaining and grumbling about a gift from my faithful, precious, Holy Father! What an ungrateful child I have been!

As tears began to flow and I poured out my broken, repentant heart before God--driving through the backroads of central Arkansas--my mind went back to my attitude at work. Sure, I love my patients and the work I do with them, but I just have not had such a loving and thankful spirit towards other areas of the job. I thought about how it's made me feel when I've given gifts to people only to have their faces darken in dissappointment with no "thank you" to follow.

And I thought about all the amazing things leading up to this job that revealed God's hand on every detail of it. My job is a gift from my Father. He has a purpose and a plan for me at this place, and I should daily praise Him for His kindness, love, grace, and tender mercy.

I am still learning to be content with where I am, who I am, and what I am doing. There's no room for complaint with a God-gift. They are always perfect and right on time. He is my provider, and I will trust in Him.

1 Timothy 6:6-8 "But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content."

Real Friends...

...Challenge you to draw closer in your own relationship with the King of kings.
...Support you in their thoughts and prayers.
...Bring their bible, some oreos, and a gallon of milk over when you're in need of encouragement.
...Tell you there's spinach stuck in your teeth so you don't make a fool of yourself in front of strangers.
...Know all your flaws and still want to spend time with you.
...Don't hesitate to tell you when you 've messed up--and are there by your side to help you make it right.
...Don't sugar coat truth.
...Laugh with you when you do something dumb to help make light of it, which, at least to me, eases the embarrassment a little bit.
...Calls or sends you a text every now and then just to say "hi." It really means a lot, you know.

I have some of the bestest friends in the world.

Thank you, Lord, for continuing to show me daily the little blessings all around me, including the wonderful people I call "friends."

"Outside Looking In"

It was the name of a sketch assignment for art class back in high school. I distinctly remember the picture I drew. In fact, I'm sure I still have it, stashed away in an old binder somewhere on my bookshelf. Yes, I am a professed packrat.

The eye of a girl looking through a crack in the wall...searching for something lost...her eye curiously caught staring at a crumpled piece of paper lying in the shadows among the dust...and all this merely centimeters away from a deadly spider...

No, it wasn't really a good piece of art for that kind of thing is not a gift bestowed on the likes of me. But it was real. It was how I felt then, a feeling I still stuggle with now. A feeling of being seen as something I'm not--and the fear of being something I don't want to be. For, the paper represents who I truly am. The message is crumpled, torn, beaten, bruised, and thrown into a secret place where it longs to stay hidden forever. The spider, well, he represents the fear of consequences, of knowing, of being found. And there I am watching myself defeated in fear, isolated from all things good and pure and holy.

That's what fear does best. Separate. Divide. Isolate.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; in whom should I be afraid?" Ps 27:1

Lord, help me to trust you with all things. Continue to reveal my weakenesses, but give me the wisdom and the grace to grow through them into the vessel You choose to use. Give me strength to stand wide awake to my sin and depend totally on you for cleansing, victorious power over it. Remind my heart, not just my head, that you are the only Forgiver of Sin. Purge me with hyssop, that I shall be clean; wash me that I may be whiter than snow. Thank you for the rod of discipline and the looking glass that reveals my sinful nature. Don't let me forget who I am so that I will strive to become more like you. You are worthy, Amen.

Lazy Day

My little canine is passed out on the couch looking oh-so-cute, and I took a 4 hour nap today myself.

It's my day of rest. I think I'm entitled to one every now and then.

I went yard-saling with Heather and Josh this morning. I actually stayed at their house so we could leave bright and early. Oh, and so Stella could spend some time with her love, Mr. Darcy. There's nothing like going from house-to-house looking at other people's junk. We did find some good deals today (mostly books). The last one we went to was a gold mine of great stuff, but sadly everything had "sold" stickers attached. We were too late to get the goodies.

There is a lot going on right now. I feel overloaded emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Good and bad all mixed together. I have this very strange feeling that I can only describe as a desire to duck in a hole and hide out for a while. I think it's the lazy side of me wanting to just let everything work itself out., or maybe it's the ostrich in me who feels too inadequate to stand up to the scary stuff, so I wanna stick my head in a hole and hope nothing finds me.

But I am not called to sit on the sidelines with my mouth shut and my eyes closed. I am called to take a stand for what is right, holy, and just. I am called to go to work every day and be the hands of God in the lives of the precious people there. I am called not to depend on the insecurity of a small, dark hiding place but to lean on the strength of Jesus Christ, who came, lived, died, and conquered the grave.

So, today I rest, trusting in Jesus to work everything out. Trusting in Jesus for the wisdom and grace to stand tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that...

God of the Little Things

Isn't it amazing to try to wrap your mind around the truth that God is so big that He made a universe millions of lightyears wide but can carry it in the palm of His hand--yet He cares about the little details in day-to-day life.

For each and every one of us.

Today was my "Little Blessings Day," so I shall call it. The Lord showed me through the little things that He cares and He wants to leave fingerprints of His glory all over my life. Even in those mundane, routine things like driving down the road, eating breakfast, or locating clients.

God is just good like that.

Stop and look around. See where He is leaving fingerprints in your own life. Take note.

Don't ever forget He is the God of the BIG things and the little things.

* Having good productivity today.
* Giving me time to get some paperwork done.
* Showing me moments where patience was being worked in me--and finding that it wasn't so hard when I let His grace work.
* A sweet co-worker picking up my favorite, sweet tea, when she didn't have to.
* Texts from precious friends encouraging me throughout the day.
* A calm assurance that everything was under control.
* Smiles and jokes from nurses who I never thought liked me just to serve as a reminder that relationships are forming.
* Sweet hugs and communication with very important people (my clients).
* A free bottle of water.
* A cool breeze blowing up just as 10 of us awaited the rest of the gang outside in the parking lot.
* Previously stated cool breeze remaining for the rest of the evening, with no rain, providing the perfect set-up for curb-side frozen yogurt with 13 friends!
* Stella begging to sit in my lap. Realizing that she has learned my body language...so words aren't even necessary.
* Safety on the road.
* Very little lapse between clients--no MIAs!
* Good attitudes and wisdom on how to redirect when folks weren't so nice.
* Reminders everywhere of the one true God who loves His creation!

Sigh

* i have graduated.
* i am now officially a speech-language pathologist (a.k.a. speech therapist)
* no, i haven't received my nifty name badge yet.
* stella is still very much alive and well. and she's got a cool bandana.
* i am not perfect. go figure.
* yes, of course i am writing in all lower case letters. why? just so you'd ask that question.
* as a matter of fact, i am sleep-deprived.
* how'd you guess?
* i have the cutest nephew ever.
* graduation gowns really are as hot as they look. it's the closest i've ever been to a sauna.
* chic-fil-a is only open til 10:00 on friday nights. even on graduation friday nights.
* if you wanna throw a surprise party, i'm the easiest target. completely unaware of my friends' plans. i even invited them all to my own party...without knowing it was my party. i've got some pretty clever friends. or maybe i'm just that clueless.
* overnight, my body decided it wanted to have a cold. *sneeze* see, it's official. i'm getting sick.
* i work an hour from my home and i drive through three counties every. single. day.
* gas is expensive (read previous statement).
* aww man, i ran out of black ink and i haven't printed my swallowing evals!
* paperwork is going to destroy me.
* walmart sells everything in every color.
* now my sentences are too random for even me to handle. i think i'm gonna say goodnight.

GOODNIGHT! (What? Caps-Lock missed me.)

Sales Representatives. *shakes head shamefully*

Me: "Hi, I just received an email saying I was going to be getting a monthly charge for a credit-tracking service I accidently signed up for while accessing my credit score. The email said I should call you if I didn't want to continue the trial. Can you help me?"
Woman with a foreign accent (henceforth called WWAFA): "Yes ma'am. I understand. One moment please."
...5 minutes later...
WWAFA: "I need your personal information in order to access your account."
(I give it to her.)
WWAFA: "Ahh, I see. Ma'am, did you know you did not see your credit report?"
Me: "No, I didn't know that because I'm pretty sure I did."
WWAFA: "No, Ma'am. Our logs indicate that you only visited the main home screen, thus only seeing a sample credit report and score."
Me: "Then why was my personal information on it? And why did it match up with everything I read on my free annual report? I'm confused..."
WWAFA: "Ma'am, are you signed into your account? Sign into your account and I will walk you through how to view your real report."
Me: "Okay...I'm here."
WWAFA: "Now, with our free monthly membership service you get exclusive benefits..."
Me: "Yes, I realize that, but I only access my information frequent enough for the membership to be beneficial to me...hey, that's not an example! I really did see my credit score!"
WWAFA: "Ma'am, are you on the main home screen?"
Me: "Yes."
WWAFA: "Well, do you see the 'View my Reports' button at the top? Please click on that."
Me: "Okay...yup, this is the same as what's on my home screen. I have seen all of this."
WWAFA: "Ma'am, you must click and view all of the pages of your report. See, we provide a detailed account of your credit profile and we offer..."
Me: (interrupting) "Ma'am, I understand what your membership offers. I read about it before calling you and realized I had made a mistake and signed up for something way bigger than I needed. I just wanted to see my credit score. I don't want to pay for some fancy doo-dad to track my every transaction when it's already being done for free."
WWAFA: "Just let me walk you through this. Hey--I'll give you the membership for 50% off. How about that?"
Me: "No. Will you please just cancel this membership? Please?"
WWAFA: "Of course, ma'am. I understand. Your membership has been cancelled. You still have access to your profile until the trial expires and if at any point between now and then you should change your mind, give me a call."
Me: "Thank you. Goodbye."

I just wasted 25 minutes of my life.

Let's Talk Politics

I don't talk political affairs, especially current ones, if you know anything about me at all. Every time I look or read something about it, I just get more and more leery of our government and less enthused about living the rest of my life here. That's why I don't talk about it. Terrible, I know.

I've always been proud to be an American, but the older I've gotten, the less proud I've been of the monkeys our people continue to put into office to make decisions for us. The less proud I've been of the people putting them into office, too. I mean, really, what are we thinking, America?!

I tend to handle conflict and obstacles like an ostrich handles fear of predators--I tend to duck my head in a hole and hope I'm not hurt too badly by what's going on around me. So whenever I read something I don't like about another ridiculous "plan" for our nation, another disastrous bill signed into law, or whatever the case, I close my eyes and hum a happy tune, trying to forget the words I just absorbed.

Of course I know that's a silly way to handle things--one that never really takes care of the problem--but it's just how I do it. You see, these issues are so much bigger than me that I feel overwhelmed at just thinking of the implications they'll have, let alone how I could help change them.

Government is going way too far, though. They seem to be screaming, "Force the people who have worked hard to succeed in this world spoonfeed their own hard-earned wealth into those who are not willing to TRY to do better for themselves." Government also seems to be shouting out, "Who cares about our old, sick people. They are better off dead and forgotten. Focus all our energy and money on the young, strong generations!" It is true that many poor folks are not brought up with a means of success without a lot of hard work, but let me tell you--it's possible. I'M DOING IT. So can any one else if they get up off their lazy behinds, stop taking handouts from a government so far in debt we are literally owned by other countries, and DO SOMETHING. Our welfare programs have enabled the lazy for too long. It was set up to do good, to encourage and strengthen people falling through the cracks. Instead, it has weakened them. It's given them no reason to want anything better for themselves.

Oh, and as for our elderly population who government wants to rob of the funding they've worked their tails off for--well, I wish those dumbconfounded government "officials" would remember they wouldn't be here without them. Our elderly are our parents, grandparents, great grandparents. They are the ones who taught us, raised us, cared for us when we were weak and dependent yonugsters. They didn't dump us in the streets and rob us of our needs. They cared for us. Now it's our turn to step up and repay them the debt we owe--our love, respect, care, and financial support.

I may regret this post soon for writing so soon after a flare of emotion from reading one more snippet of stupidity our government has bought into, but right now I don't really care. I just feel like ranting.

And now I shall share!

Incite Rehabilitation Services. That's who I'm going to work for after graduation.
It's the same company I've been interning with all summer.
And I'm more than excited about starting!

So, random news/thoughts from my head for today:
1. My mamaw won temporary custody of my nephew yesterday. Long story, but one I've been expecting since my sister's pregnancy. God has that sweet little boy in His master plan; I just know it!
2. Kumquat. It's a fruit, you know. Kinda like an orange. At least, that's what my friend said. A client, my supervisor, and I had an entire conversation about this strange thing--only to agree that we had all heard of it before but none of us had the slightest idea what it was.
3. I graduate in one week, two days!
4. I have five clocks in this house and they all have different times on them. They were synchronized at one point in time. Can't they all just get along?!
5. Nemo man had a heart attack trying to save the world from the Yogurt monster, so Oscar Wilde jumped in and saved the day. Moral of the story: Never underestimate the abilities of famous authors. Only Chuck Norris can overcome Oscar Wilde.
6. If you are clueless as to the meaning (or importance) of #5, then you should have been at CYC with us last night.

I'm not telling!

In·cite [in sIt]

"To give an incentive for action, to urge to action, to move or to put into motion."

I have some important news that has something to do with that word, but I'm not going to tell. Not today, anyway. I am so excited that I haven't stopped pinching myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.When I finally realize this is no lala-land, I may spill the beans.

All over the floor.

Just wait. Have your fork and napkin in hand and be ready to dig in!

Is that tears or sweat bringing water to my eyes?

The cause still remains unknown.

I spent a few hours out at Central Arkansas Youth Camp today. Brushed a girl's eyebrows with a fork and tried to make a guy laugh by attempting to sell him rocks to stick up his nose to protect him from the mosquitoes. I even made a girl sniff a stick and tickled another with a leaf.

That's just how I do things when I'm a Bounty Hunter playing the game "Underground Railroad."

My job was to make folks laugh, so my random side went nuts. I practiced my terrible accent collection--from Cogney-English, to Irish, Spanish, and even some Middle-Eastern sounds thrown in there. It was fun, but sadly, even my best stuff only brought smiles to those faces. They were a tought crowd to break!

The place was teaming with sweaty, smelly kids--and adults--but no one seemed to mind. I fit right in. That's why I still don't know if my eyes were blurry because of sweat or tears. You see, though the music didn't move me [Amazing Grace has a lot more meaning to me than these fancy contemporary Christian songs], the message did. It always does. So I know there were some tears thrown in there with the salty concoction oozing from my pores. My tear ducts hated to be left out.

"A Different Kind of Love." That's this year's theme. That was tonight's message. I pray that it sinks in, grasps those troubled hearts, wraps around their very souls, and never lets them go. I pray it transforms them, changes their lives, breaks the bondage of the past, and opens doors to the future for these children and teens who've never known the unconditional love of Christ.

What a blessing it was. I will be there tomorrow night. And the next. Oh, and the next after that, too!

There is nothing to get your spirits down like rude people. Wednesday just hasn't started off fabulous. You know what, though...I haven't posted a multitude monday post in a while so today I should do that. As well as throw in some miscellany monday, too.

Even if it is a Wednesday. I think that would help me feel better.

Random:
* Still adjusting to having long nails. I haven't bit them, and they are still growing spendidly. Yay!
* Trying to get in the habit of straightening my hair every day. Apparently doing so makes me "look like a...a...a...model," according to some folks. I've never been told that before and I assume it's a compliment. :)
* I've lost eight pounds. I've gotta lose another 51 pounds to get to where I was in 2008. It's so easy to gain and so hard to lose!
* I graduate August 12th at 7:00pm. Sadly, I have not formally invited anyone to this graduation, as I've done in the past. I guess I'm just graduationed-out. I would love to have anyone come that would like, though! It's less than a month away! EEK!
* Speaking of graduation makes me think of jobs. I have been offered an incredible position in a mountain town 1 hour, 40 minutes from here, but I have a couple of possibilities much closer...one that has just, quite literally, fallen into my lap. I am kind of waiting this out and seeking the right choice. I am very hesitant to move.
* Best day all week: Tuesday. Heather. Me. Flea markets. Double Chocolaty-Chip Iced coffee-less frappacino at Starbucks. Razorback snowcone. Bookstores filled with the calming, euphoric fragrance of old, musty, well-read adventures waiting for a new pair of eyes to soak in their wonderful stories...oh, and not to mention a two-hour search for rental disney movies, frozen pizza and cheesesticks, and Reeses Pieces. "Me, Eloise." ...and two-tenths of Alladin (seen from Youtube with fuzzy quality. Part 3 was missing so we stopped there). I think that was the most fun I've packed into a day in a long time. I sure hope I didn't set her back on her work too much, though!

Thankful for:
111. Lasting friendships with the most unique group of individuals.
112. Poolside giggles and talks about "cholerics and steadies."
113. Realizing I have overcome my fear of deep water.
114. God's faithfulness. His hand of instruction, rod of discipline, and words of encouragement...at just the right moment.
115. Catch-and-chase games with Stella that have kind of become routine (like patty-cake with a toddler).

You know you grew up in the 80s/early 90s if...

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word   "PSYCHE".
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel  Air"
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt   stylish.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club   and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals   scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. Two words: M.C. Hammer
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock".
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales ".
12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a  Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen.
15. You were super-excited when it was Oregon Trail   day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter,House)
18. You wore Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear...
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten.
21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books that Ramona completed in 1st grade.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose felloff...
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took Lunch Pails ! to school.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say NOT after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were in-line skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. Guns 'N Roses
43. "Don't worry, be happy"
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down.
46. Red Rover at recess
47. You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
48. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
50. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales
51. You thought Doogie Howser was hot.
52. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell", the ORIGINAL class.
55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THRU THE HEART.
56. JAMS were SO in style
57. Come on Eileen!!!!!!!!
58. Beverly Hills 90210
59. Really bad hair..........

(I don't remember ALL of these, but I CAN nod my head to most of them...lol!)