A Reputation to Uphold...

...as a child of the Most High God.

I've been failing in my stewardship for a long time. I have been a self-centered, proud, self-righteous, complacent, insensitive...brat.

The truth of this is always eating at the back of my conscience, seasoning everything going on in my life with a little bit of lemon juice. Sometimes I have felt as if it is the fallen angel himself, whispering discouraging thoughts into my head, but then again, it's the small voice of instruction, not condemnation, that I hear calling to me. "Kristina, you should think of her hurting heart instead of your own selfish desires...", "Kristina, why are you having such a hard time accepting my love?", "Kristina, I love you, not because of what you DO, but what you believe. You can't do enough to earn my love. I give it freely. Just accept it, Dear." "Kristina, you shouldn't allow this anxiety to overtake you. Trust in me!", "Kristina, why did you just walk past that man sitting there. I wanted to help him through you."

So, all these things, and so many more...messages from my Daddy that I, in my rebellious, selfish heart have ignored. Why do I do that? I hear Him, but then I think I don't. I doubt it, or I don't want to turn from my own goals and objectives to follow it.

Does this mean I am not submitted to Him?

The other night, I was completely lost. I felt so very lonely. And I remember crying out to God, asking Him what was wrong with me that I couldn't hear His voice, His instruction.

And He showed me that I can. I am just choosing not to follow it.

I know that His ways are better than my own.

Conviction has definitely set in, and it's more than just a little bit of lemon juice in a pot of soup. It's a whole gallon of lemonade without the added sugar.

Yes, it tastes terrible, because it is causing me to look at my mistakes. I allowed that gallon to fall into my pot. I allowed all this to go on within me, no matter how subtly the changes occurred. But now, it is not just a gnawing at the back of my mind, it is right in front of my eyes.

God wants me to deal with it. Thank you, Lord, for your discipline. A loving father disciplines his children. You still love me, in spite of my sin!

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You know, I was on facebook a few days ago and saw a comment my mother had made to a friend of hers, a woman I didn't even know:

I don't think I see how others see me. I don't realize that they actually see...good? Because all I can seem to focus on is my bad. This comment touched my heart, coming from my mother. It touched my heart to see this is what is said when I'm not around.

But, then, it also convicts me. I am forever getting lost on the difficult path of Christianity. I see connecting paths that look right, enticing, or easier, and I find myself going in circles or in danger.

I am hoping and trusting in God's grace to help me uphold this royal reputation.

My very special brother

I received an email Saturday night that from my oldest brother.

I am the oldest child in my family, but he is the oldest male. Maybe that's why I've always felt closer to him than everyone else, in spite of the 5-year age gap.

See, here's some background: Chris is the good ol' country boy who always took everything in stride. If I had to describe his personality, I'd say "mellow and sweet." He was as redneck as they come and lived for fishin', fixin' cars, huntin' (the one season he got to go!), and country music. He's just always seemed to "not care" about things--whether it was something as simple as spilled milk or as important as the God of the universe sending His Son to die for our sins. I think he notices, but it doesn't seem to matter to him. I sometimes get this idea that he separates himself from it. Like that is how he copes with things.

He has always treated me like I was a princess (guys could really get some pointers from him; I have no idea where he learned it!): opening doors, waiting on me so I don't have to move an inch, yeah that kinda stuff that could really spoil a girl.

I just love this boy to pieces.

Well, he's not a boy anymore is he? hmmm...I love that man, then. To pieces. Absolute pieces.

I had not heard from Chris since February. After his birthday, he went wild. He got himself mixed up in stuff I would never think possible for him to be involved in. And he went through so many phones that I lost count (and lost numbers). He stopped calling me, and I just completely lost contact. He didn't come around when I went home to visit, either.

You might wonder why I'm telling everyone about my brother. Well, I want to share about this email, in hopes of asking for prayer for him and myself. Chris has gotten himself in trouble. It doesn't look like really bad trouble, but he does have to go to court. I think this has scared him a little. The email he sent me is the longest piece of conversation I've ever had with him. He usually keeps his words to a minimum. He's very quiet, but he is an excellent listener (another reason I probably love him so much!). Anyways, he said he wants to change. He said he's messed up and wants a fresh start, and he knows that I could offer him the support he needs to straighten up his life.

He wants to move up here.

The idea of getting such a long note from him alone brought tears to my eyes, but as I read it, the tears turned into a water faucet and I could barely see the computer screen. He shared more of his own heart than I've ever seen before.

I want to know what is going on in him. I want to help him! And most importantly, if I can't make things right, I know Someone who can!

I would appreciate prayer for him: that God will speak to him and that he will listen, that if he does in deed come up here, that God will provide (as He always does!)--with a job and good, supportive friends, and most importantly that God will do a work in his heart and will shine the Light of the gospel into his heart (yes, this is what my church family has been praying in unity for Mr. Don, but I think it very much applies to any lost soul).

I would also appreciate prayer for myself, that God will give me wisdom on what to do and how to do it and that He will give me the grace to do it! Just when I think I have it all planned out and worked out, God shows me I just don't need to do that because He is the one in control, not me. I need to learn to trust Him. I thought I had this down (haha, already messin' up when I do that!), but with Chris' proposition, I realize I don't. The thoughts of finances, food, shelter, clothes, and transportation has all come to mind. How can I support him when I barely support myself?

Fear has come on me, over trivial things. I know this is not from God, for He tells us in Matthew chapter 6 that He will provide our needs and that we should not take thought for tomorrow because it will take care of itself. He only asks that we seek Him first. The fear I have felt over these basic needs has me upset at my own distrust in my Father's love and provision. It has left me feeling more selfish than ever--to fear bringing my brother into my home because of money? Really?

A very wise friend shared with me on Sunday a concept she and her brother had discussed recently about godly rebuke and the discouragements of satan. God will not tell you you are stupid. He will not condemn you with hateful thoughts. He will use love when He wants to reveal our folly to us. If I feel condemnation, hatred, depression, or belittlement through the thoughts coming towards me about choices I have made (or am making), then it is not from God, but from that old fallen angel.

I know this.

But, I think I forget it too easily.

Please remember Kris and Chris in your prayers. ;)

Guarding your heart is very hard work. No wonder few people do it! I look at people as if they are crazy as they jump from relationship to relationship; they look at me as if I'm the crazy one for not doing the same. In the end, I may be lonely, but at least my heart will still be in one piece--safely tucked away.

If , on some crazy off-chance, I do find the one person God intended me to experience life with--well, then he alone will have my whole heart and will not have to live with the little bit left after many broken relationships.

Okay, this concept would be ideal if I had not the past I have. Considering it, I have chosen not to think of romance being even a possibility for my future. But I stress again and again the beauty of guarding the heart, no matter how difficult it may be, because so many of my friends (and family) find themselves broken time and time again by failed relationships.

You say dating doesn't involve the heart. Well, you tell that to the girl who cries her eyes out when her boyfriend dumps her after a couple of weeks. Tell that to the man who can't sleep because the pretty girl at work refuses to go to dinner with him. Tell that to the woman who can hardly walk straight from the sheer happiness of a first date that went superbly well.

All these things are emotionally-charged, whether it is a broken heart or a happy heart. That piece of your heart is given over to the other person the moment you begin thinking of them as more than a friend, even if a date has not yet taken place.

I'm trying to guard my heart. I can't say I'm perfect, nor can I say I'm even good, at it. But I am trying.

And, honestly, it has made a difference in my life.

So, again I say: you can call me crazy, think me crazy, believe I'm crazy, all you want. I still think I'm right.

Like grandma, like granddaughter. Stubborness, as well as burnt food, runs in the family.