Forgiveness is so much sweeter than bitterness.
What I am about to share is something I've held within me for several months, afraid of causing strife within my family, but I cannot carry this any longer.
See, all my life I have been a very bitter person. My family is a very bitter family. We hold grudges, for some reason. Like carrying hot coals that continue to sting is sensible or something. I don't know why; I wish I could explain it, reason it, but I just can't. My family are good people, but we just have this flaw.
Well, I've been praying that God will teach me how to love and forgive. Far out idea, huh? He started with healing my hurting heart after my divorce. I don't think it is 100% mended (can the scars ever really fade away since forgetting the past is impossible?), but I can tell you I am much better, and much different, than I was two years ago. Thank you, Jesus, for that! I can actually look my ex-husband in the eyes, without tears or awkwardness, now.It is a weird situation, though, because in a sense when I see him shopping at my workplace, it's like looking at any other customer. There is no attachment, and honestly, he is a stranger with a familiar face is all. I don't know how else to explain that.
Next, he started to mend my heart with my relationship with my grandfather. I think moving out on my own started that process, but the main changes have come in the last two years. Changes that may not be so evident outwards as they are inwards. I know the difference. I am the one who sees, and feels, so differently towards this man who sacrificed his retired life for a brat like me! This man, who lacks patience, but tried so many times to teach me things (like riding a bike and playing a guitar) in spite of that weakness. I have nothing but the utmost respect and love for him now. I feel like God's given me a new set of eyes and a new heart in our relationship of father and daughter.
And now for the part that has been my reason for withholding for so long: the part where I tell all of you that I have forgiven my biological father, by the grace of God.
Like really forgiven him, for everything.
If you don't know the story, that's okay. You don't really need to know the story, just that many people would say that bitterness is justified. But bitterness is NEVER justified, no matter the offense. God has called us to walk in love and mercy, as He has shown love and mercy on us!
I struggled the most with this one, I think. This has been over two decades of bitterness and pain layered deep within my heart.
And I don't think the forgiveness process would have ever even started if it wasn't for something Joe's wife did on facebook that poked a hole in that ever-growing grudge. My ugly side came out so fast, all the bitterness and poisonous words flowed freely to Joe and his wife. Words I had kept in the hardened corners of my heart, and never uttered, came out at full volume. Words I didn't even know were there.
I knew I held a grudge towards my father, but I did not know how bad it was. I had been convicted of my feelings towards him for over a year now, but had not seemed to find victory.
Then, God showed me the ugliest side of me. That's a mirror I don't like looking into, but one that is oh-so-important in spiritual growth!
Lots of prayer and bible study over forgiveness ensued, and slowly layers began peeling away. My father had found me on facebook, and in spite of my bitter words, he was persistent in trying to communicate with me his sincere apologies and regrets over past mistakes. I began to notice the change ocurring within me as every new message from him sparked less and less bitter emotions.
Then, one day, I opened a message and had no bad feelings, no anger, no hurt. In fact, I actually felt a tingle of delight in hearing from him. I wanted to reply with, "Oh, I would like to make up for lost years. I would like to come to know you better," but withheld such raw notions because a twinge of guilt set in.
How would my family, who is also very bitter towards this man, take to me having not only forgiven him, but also having a desire to know him? Would they be angry with me? Or would they interpret it that I thought of them less in wanting to add this man into my life? Would they be offended?
I do still worry of that, because the farthest thing from my mind is to replace my family or think of them less. I just feel that this is not something of my own heart's desire, but something the Lord would have me do. It is a step above forgiveness, perhaps, in that it is an opening of the heart towards the person who wronged me. But I think it is a step the Lord is asking me to take. And with that, I must obey in spite of the tangle it could cause with my family. I only hope that God will help them to work through their own bitterness as He is continuing to work in me. And maybe, this will be a point--like my explosive moment--that proves to be a crisis of belief for them.
Now the title of this post is the joys of forgiving, and here I am rambling on. Let's tie this back to the title with this little praise point: Because of the work God is doing in me, I have now been in contact with a half brother who I have never really met. A brother who was nearly 3 years old when I first heard of his existence. A brother who I've longed to know ever since, but was never given the opportunity. I have been able to see a little into his life, and see that we have things in common. I have found points already to be proud of him, in a way that only a sister can be! And through our communications I have been able to learn more about another half brother who I have not seen since he was 5 (he's now 19).
This correspondence is one I am afraid my family will frown on, (family, please consider the good it is doing me). I love Brandon and Joey, just as I love Chris and Jake. I want to know them, too. I want to be in their lives, and already the few letters passed back and forth have brought so much happiness to me I can't even describe it.
You know, they want to know me, too. How cool is that?!
